Back to Myself

From This…

Back to this

So stoked it is over!!

Liberation!

I feel so liberated today being myself in my normal clothing again.
I never would’ve thought that identity place such a big role on a persons psyche

For once this last 10 days i actually feel totally comfortable with myself.

Day 10: Woensdag vir die wen

Today is my last day in my boere attire and i mist say that i am relieved. It feels like a load is lifted of my shoulders yo know that I can be set free again and follow my own identity. I felt bound by this uniform, most of the time I plundered my self with my own perceptions. Looking back it wasn’t really that bad. I learnt a lot about myself and how great part identity play in my life. How others perceptions shape my life and how much influence my own thoughts and prejudice have on my entire life.

I often made it worst than what it actually was. I am just glad thats today i can say its over and I can again be my own person.

Welcome back Marshy

Day 9: Dinsdag… Amper daar

I have come to the conclusion that this journey that I have embarked on has definitely taught me about my identity and where I fit in. I feel torn between die taal and the stigma associated with the stereotype boertjie.

The more i though about where I stand as a white afrikaner in south africa, the more i accepted my place in this modern society. I am part of a different generation where we do not have a real struggle to fight for since we were to young to understand the whole apartheid idea and not old enough to actually do something about it. This allowed me to accept the fact that I don’t have to be associates with this stigma surrounding white afrikaans males.

Growing up, there were no animosity between black and white, I had just as much fun with my black friends as I had with my white friends. At least with my black friends we did more active stuff together throwing top.

This has shown that my own perceptions of the representation I portrayed in the last couple days has in fact been way more extreme to me that what it was to others.

I need to let go and know that I’m not part of the old generation, I’m a new generation.

Day 8: Blou Maandag

This has been challenging. Trying to juggle life between varsity work and personal commitments while not enjoying who i represent has made my life a living hell. If i was truly the rock spider i put forth then being between a rock and a hard place would probably not be too bad… BUT IM NOT.

The last thing i felt like doing this morning was put on my farmers outfit and the stigma’s associated with it. I have got too many other things to do and feeling bad within myself has really took its toll on my varsity work as well as my personal relationships.

Sorry if this sounds negative but apparently this is what i have become…

Day 7: Sondag vasbyt

Not so much, sundays are my quiet days except I work in the afternoon. I couldn’t go to work like this. Have to wear formal clothes. So I obviously feel uncomfortable again.

I will take this time to reflect on my week and the effect it had on the following:

My relationship with my girlfriend: She asked me to please change into other clothes. She is not particularly attracted to this look. We still going strong though and theres only a couple of days left. It has made me feel slightly more self conscious about who I represent.

Other relationships: i haven’t been very social in the last week since i don’t particularly want to go out looking like this so haven’t seen my friends since i know they will judge me.

Personal self: its been taking its toll but i feel more comfortable than the start of the brief. I have accepted more as a uniform that I must wear, so it has become part of my identity but doesn’t form who I am inside

Politics: I felt that there are a lot social and political issues that is associated by my representation. The afrikaner has a strong part in South African History, this usually negatively shown in the mass media. I simple google search of afrikaner boer brings up more negative associations than positives. This association have somewhat given me the perception of people form other races judging me considerably, I feel that my attitude has also changed to a more conservative nature. I feel slightly powerless in my contribution to the New South Africa.

There is no doubt that I have mixed feeling about how I feel about this. Maybe I am in that transition phase of identity, where I am tugging rope with my 2 conflicting ideologies. Where would i fit in by the end of this…?

Boertjie en sy Braai

Thanks Barry Hilton for the accurate description

Have a look and tell me if you had this experience before.

Day 6: Saterdag

Saturday. A boerseun best day of the week. Usual saturday’s in Afrikaans culture will be made out of the following:

• A braai
• Meat (chops is a must)
• Boerewors
• Braai Broodjies
• Potato Salad
• Family
• Some Kasteeltjies (castle lager beer)
• Klippies en coke ( met eish ja)

En dan gaan ons nou braai. Lets just finish watching the rugby first. Rugby would go as follows

• Asking the wife to get the snacks and bring the drinks coming
• Standing proud while the negational anthem starts, only to sing, vole bors. UIT DIE BLOU VAN ONSE HEMEL.
• Thats when the goosebumps start and kick off
• During the game there will be strong verbal arguments with the referee, how dirty the opposition is, and basically the whole rugby game would be rewritten since every afrikaner has a professional career in the game.

En dan gaan ons nou braai.

Sadly i could not partake in the Saturday shenanigans since I was attending the funeral.

A much more morbid them it was, held at an old age him win Vrede. The afrikaans culture is strongly evident. It is conservative and tradition is strong. I really feel sorry for the people there, they have lived a good life and now basically just waiting for the end of their journey. As I walked in the hall, I felt a sense of heaviness descending on my heart, old eyes that seen lots of live calling out, staring right through me. The NG Dominee, starts the proceedings, with a common themes in many sermons like the struggle in our lives that we need to overcome, the guilt we have, our aspirations in the world, gathering earthly things seemed to be obsolete when it comes to death. Its rather a depressing memorial, like most traditional funerals. She was a good person, and lived her life serving others. A big loss to our family, but its better for her no more pain and suffering. RIP

What i have noticed about this strong afrikaans event, is that I would rather want people to celebrate my life, mourn quickly and remember me, miss me but celebrate life. Religion plays a big role in afrikaner’s lives it comforts them, it gives hope and it helps to move through our trial and tribulations. It is one of the cornerstones of the traditional afrikaner.

Day 5: Rus en Vrede

This week has come with sad news with the passing of my aunt and may God rest her soul. She is in a better place now with no more suffering.

This had lead me on a journey to Harrismith and Vrede for the funeral, deep in the Afrikaner grasslands. I will be part of the species there since I look the same as them. Most part of my day was spent in the car traveling from Durban. I let my mom drive, not atrue afrikaans thing to do, normally the man should drive since he is obviously a better driver than the woman… so I thought i will allow her a chance to prove herself. Okay not actually i was just tired and preferred to take a nap and she didn’t mind driving. (my mom is actually a great driver by the way)

We eventually arrived in harrismith as a family (Ouma, Mom, Sister and her boyfriend), checked into our accommodations and off to spur we went as a family. This is an ideal time to  experiment with my new found character or identity. I remembered what my boet said about my legs and despite the temperature being considerably smaller than sunny Durban, my masculinity will just have to come from somewhere else, it will come from confidence in my new identity I’m sure.

We walked into Spur and everyone greets us politely, its quite empty for a friday night, a couple of boers sitting in the corner and another family sitting across form our table. Classic look by the way. The son had addidas flops, long white rugby socks, Rugby Shorts, a t-shirt and golf cap on. Family looks like your typical Afrikaans family, not much to say to each other, there for the food. Very well mannered and structured. Defintiely a patriarchal system they got going on there. Overall I felt very much respected. I obviously looked like the patriarchal figure of our family. Most conversation was directed to me and overall glances from the waitresses caught my eye. I especially pulled up my pants just a little in order to expose some more thigh muscle just to experiment if this bait actually work in such an environment.

The other farmers in the corner starred at our table quite blatantly. They were obviously catching on to what i was doing, maybe we got protective over his daughter I’m not sure. But my honest opinion is that he saw that I’m not a real boer, i simply didn’t have the right characteristics based on what a real boerseun should look like, plus i didn’t speak strong afrikaans, and was friendly and polite to other cultures.

None the less I felt like I fit in somewhere, this type of representation was more accepted there than in Durban. It also helped that their was about zero chance to seeing someone that i know or knows me.

Another thing i picked up was the fact that the car guard called me baas. this was a bit scary to me, since I don’t see myself as his boss, i see myself as an equal human, not above or below him. This could have just been a form of respect form his side, but we all brothers in the same south african family.

I have definitely become slightly more comfortable in my appearance. I see it as moving through the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Depression and eventually Acceptance.

Boer, family and Spur

 

Day 4: Dors op n Donderdag

It has been such a busy  last couple of days, with tight deadlines and test schedules to meet, I must be honest, theres not much time to actually worry about what you look like. Our lives are so fast paced and we often loose sight of the important things in life. The little things that we can celebrate after every day, the things that make life worth living, those magic moments that eventually becomes wonderful memories. With all these worries clouding my vision i become extremely frustrated. So one thing i am going to let go is the thought of people judging gem for who I am… or at least represent.

By listening RSG while driving kind of just make matters worse since I find that Afrikaans media is definitely not inline to who i am. The one radio show i listened to went on about the church and Christianity, like traditional afrikaners would do followed by phone calls wishing close relatives and friends happy birthday, this seemed to have gone on for at least 20 minutes. I don’t really know what the presenters job entails and every caller goes on to how they know him so well. He of coarse has no idea of who the callers are and needs to play it cool and be polite and respectful like good afrikaners do. Oom and Tannie is imperative. I am by no means against the christian faith and good manners and values. I just find it so typical afrikaans. Afrikaans people enjoy knowing that other people know them. It probably gives them a sense of belonging. They are usually rathe friendly and polite head on, but don’t always be fooled, some of them have a nasty alter ego from the polite friendly lady that goes to church every sunday. I am of coarse generalising and stereotyping quite a bit here, but I’m trying to make a point and how i feel i have been seen. I also need to vent slightly.

The thing that strikes me the most was probably the fact that some lecturers ask that if i am doing an intervention. Duh… as if I always dress like this. They should know me by now… Then as soon as i speak, all doubt is removed since i have an afrikaans accent which removes all possible doubt and I officially represent the classic afrikaner look. This is too close to home for me. In just a couple of days people thought that this is who i am. At least my intervention is somewhat successful.

This obviously relates to performativity.

Performativity (butler 1997) is ritualized on going process that constitutes an indiiduals identity. The idea of performativity is different from the physical act of a performace, as its is not a singular exhibition involving actors on stage for limited amount of time, but a continuous social process. This also has a close resemblance to the concept of myth, both concept involve ideology and how it is masked by rituals. That actually hide the underlying structures of ideological interpellation

So in layman’s terms. The more I look and act like a boer, the more those concept and representation comes to live and is experienced as something real, with the set believe systems associated with that particular representation.

This creates a persona, just like an artist will create something that will shock people.

The highlight of my day must have been when I saw a good friend of mine from the free state, a classic afrikaner boerseun. He actually dress just the way they do. First thing he says to me. Sjoe, maar jy lyk netjies… Performance done… I am now the character…

We went out that night, had a couple of beers like real men do and spoke about farming, politics and how we plan to braai for the rugby this coming weekend.

Butler, J. (1997). Excitable Speech: A politics of the performative. New York: Routledge.